I've moved. 

http://nawaloon.tumblr.com/

;)

I survived the first week of school. :) I look rather pale here. Um.. Nope, I'm not sick. I don't normally put lotsa make up when going to school. So I tend to look kinda pale half way through the day. And my dark circles.. Sigh. Speaking of sick, the haze is really bad here in Singapore. My throat don't feel good these couple of days. And I have a mild cough. My eyes start to feel uncomfortable this morning. Hmmm, I may go out to get some eye drops later. Actually with this kinda weather, I drag leaving the house..

I'll say that it wasn't exactly a very tiring week. Probably cuz we have not started our projects yet. Simply put, its kinda like a warming up week. I'm happy to see my friends again. Its been a pretty long time. Our holiday lasted for more than month. I guess I miss laughing in a group. During the hols I'm always laughing on my own. That too cuz I watch some hilarious Korean variety shows. Other than that.. I'm empty. 

My timetable isn't that bad actually. Honestly I didn't like at first because the timing just didn't work for me. I guess I didn't like Tuesdays and Thursdays the most. On Tuesday, school ends at 7.30pm. That's late to me. My journey home is over an hour. Well its still kinda alright for now cuz we aren't that busy yet. But in a week or so, we'll have have work piling up. So if school ends at 7.30, I'll be really beat when I reach home. Guess I'm just afraid I'll be too tired to get my things done. Thursday is a long day from me. 8am till 6pm. For this semester, my classes start at a later time except Thursday. I didn't like it so much that school starts as late as noon cuz its really hot outside. I hate to be drenched in perspiration when I reach school. To think I showered and smell so good before leaving the house.. Sigh. Still, it isn't all bad. I have 'discovered' one good thing about my timetable. Lol. I hope its worth the perspiration.

Modules wise.. Like I've mentioned, most of it is IT related. Well I'm not all excited about it but I don't have a choice but to do it. Its worth 6 credit points. I'd be crazy not to do my best. I'm slowly trying to change my mindset. As in the way I look at things. Since I can't change anything.. Just gotta make the best out of it. I know I'm not good at IT. I don't expect to be a genius overnight. What I want is for me to make an attempt. Put in the effort. Frankly I'm not very happy with what my tutors said. The urge to tell them off is there. At times its also upsetting.. But I don't want to be what I am before. Getting angry for the right reasons is fine. I'm a human too. There are things that upsets me. Its not something that can be controlled. But my reaction to it.. That is something I can control. I decide not to care about what they say. Well, for one reason, they do not know what I went through. It was never an easy road. Doing something you don't like but have to.. Its not simple. Despite knowing my future will be ruined, I can still give it all up. Its hard on me. I feel like crying looking at how others get their work done. But no I didn't cry. More of, I can't cry. Truth is I didn't give it up. Its harder to decide whether you want to hold on or give up. Because you can find a thousand reasons why you want to give up. But to find one good reason to hold on.. It has to be a strong reason. 

Real work will start next week. Though it sounds weird, I am kinda eager to start work. Guess I've been idling for way too long. Bet that'll change in a few weeks time. Lol.

 Today is the start of Semester 2. To be honest when I looked at my timetable, I freaked out. The modules sound foreign to me. Knowing how limited my knowledge about IT is(and how little interest I have), I am worried. Very worried, in fact. I don't just intend to pass. Passing is too safe. I want to do better than a pass. 80% of this sem's modules are IT related. Well.. What can I say. I am an IT student. I'm suppose to do more IT than business. Though I have more interest in business. But I don't deny business, like IT is not easy. However, if you have the interest, things can be done. Yeah, I could've just broke down right now. Give up right now. " I cannot do it," I'll say.

But, no, I can't give it up. No matter how much I dislike it. Regardless of how tough it is. I used to think that its not important to have a role model. You are your own role model. You work hard, you see your success and you work even harder. I was wrong. It is important to have a role model to motivate you. I have a role model now. I look up to this man. His success is admirable. The hardships he went through.. I would've probably long given up if it was me. But he pushed himself. People around him tell him that he's too tough on himself. He knows but he says he got to be that hard on himself cuz only then he'll be able to achieve the success he yearns for. At first I couldn't agree. I don't understand why pain has to come before success. Maybe I'm spoilt. I'm never placed in a situation where I have to feel pain. Cuz I am always protected by the people who loves me. But now, when I hear his story, listen to his words, I am convinced that he does the right thing. Nothing comes easy and hard work really does pay off. I have seen a real life example. I hope his success story will be like a kerosene that burns my desire to study hard. 

I too wanna be proud of myself. Want to make my parents proud of me. I am happy to see those I care about achieve success but at the same time it hurts my pride. Why can they do it, why can't I? Those questions I constantly ask myself.. I wanna stop asking them. Being the best is impossible. There will be someone out there who is better than you, whether you know it or not. I want to be the best that I can be. 

 To be honest, I'm regretting it. I shouldn't have sent that text message. I don't know whether I've hated what you became or I'm envious because you have something I don't. What is it that bothers me more? The fact that you are still the same person I hated or is it because you have something I can't have? Now it feels like I am repeating myself. Either way, I don't feel exceptionally happy today. Not as if I am very happy the pass few days but I was happier than today. I don't regret my decision. I just feel that I should've made it sooner. But.. What's left to say. Its all over. There is nothing to salvage and nothing to regret. However the feeling of regret is unavoidable. No matter how much you try to console yourself, its hard for that feeling to be gone completely. I guess it takes time. I don't know if I have anymore time. Frankly I have used up all the time that I have. There are still certain changes that I want to make in my life but I have yet to make them. I am not sure why. Is it cuz I cannot make a decision or is it I can't start? 

I used to be a brave person. Okay, not exactly brave but braver than what I am now. I make decisions spontaneously. I don't exactly have second thoughts. Above all, I think I am more positive then. But now, I feel different. Its not that I feel less capable.. Okay, that's right. I feel less capable. I feel that there are many things that I can't do. My abilities seem limited. The most surprising part is I feel scared all the time. I hated feeling that way, really. With fear you can't get anything done because you will keep on restricting yourself from doing things, afraid that it won't turn out well. See, I know that. At the back of my mind, I know what I should and should not do, what I have to do and what I must not even think of doing. But the doing part is the hardest. This fear that I'm feeling.. I don't know why I feel this way. Its like as though I am traumatized by something. 

Life is tough. To breathe each day is a struggle. A struggle is not just limited to physical struggle. My life as seem from the outside looks alright, nothing particularly wrong. But that is not exactly true. There are many things/happenings that people don't know. Sometimes.. Its best that they don't.

 But I gotta keep going. I got to stay alive and live each day like any ordinary person. Because life goes on. With or without you guys. Whether I am happy or not.. Its something even I can't say. Time flies. I find myself not being able to catch up cuz I spend too much time wondering whether I'll be happy. Thinking about the future is tiresome. Making plans and then failing is tiresome. Dealing with disappointments, picking myself up from the fall and starting from scratch, is really, really tiresome. I am sick and tired of listening to what people have to say about us. They can keep hating on me if that's what they want. I won't lie and say it does not affect me. There are many times when I feel like explaining myself, give reasons why I did what I did. But I didn't do so. Because what is the point, honestly? The truth is nobody will believe me. Nobody feels sorry for me. Nobody see the pain I went through. They only saw the so-called pain I inflicted on others. So why should I waste my time saying things that can't change the situation? 

At the end of the day, everyone wants to have a taste of happiness. I don't know if I ever will, to be honest. The happiness I feel is always temporary. It last for a very short time and then I'm back to where I was before. My corrupted life. But I still have to move forward. While I'm still breathing, I have to live my life in a simple manner. Nah, I probably want a more than simple life. To fill the empty space in my heart and the vacant spot in my life. 

 Yes, it does hurt. Yes, I still do think about you guys and yes, yes, yes, my life feels incomplete now that we've gone our separate ways. Just because I don't blog about it doesn't mean I don't feel it. Just cuz I didn't tweet about it, didn't write on my Facebook wall about it, doesn't mean I don't feel the emptiness. Just because I didn't talk about it, didn't express it to anyone, does not mean I am not feeling pain inside.

It isn't something that I wanted. Its far from what I imagine. No. Its nothing like what I imagined. I remember how I used to talk about our future together. How we'll be doing what we're doing, together. I have big dreams and you guys were a part of it. I didn't at all, ever, think that we'll ended up this way. I know there will be bigger challenges for us. We're still young and we have a long road ahead of us. But I am not prepared for this separation. Yeah it seems like I've moved down cuz I'm living my life like any another teenager. Going to school, eating lunch with my friends, sometimes staying back late into the night to finish some work. Other times, I'll either chill at home or hang out with old friends and poly mates. Normal life I'm living. I don't sit in a corner and cry. I don't browse through our photos. We don't talk anymore, don't text anymore. No communication. Actually I don't need to do all that. There are a thousand and one things in this country that reminds me of you guys. Places, songs, food, clothing, even strangers on the streets that I thought resemble one of you. I must be crazy. 

How is it possible to forget the people whom I've created lots of memories with. How can it not hurt me to be apart from the people who are like siblings to me. Do I look like a heartless person to you? It hurts me. Seeing everyone smiling together yet I can't be a part of the joy, it hurts me. Seeing all of you doing just fine, in fact better, without me, hurts. Yeah, my well wishes will always be with you guys, but the pain is still there. It does hurt me. It does affect me. It does. 

 

 I've been wanting to do this review for awhile but didn't really have the time to do it. Plus, I wanna give the product more time before I make any judgement. Because honestly, if there is one beauty product that I regret purchasing, it'd be Benetint. If you surf the net a lot, you will realise that Benefit's Benetint has really good reviews written about it. Even famous beauty gurus raved about how good the product is and how much they love it. It can be said that Benetint is one of the best selling products by Benefit cosmetics. I am one of those people who read these reviews, believed them and tried Benetint. Benetint is a rose-tinted cheek and lip stain by Benefit cosmetics. What attracts me is the fact that it is a stain. I have always wanted to own a lip stain. I prefer the 'stain' kinda look instead of a rich lipstick or a really sparkly glosses. Simply because stains gives a more natural finish instead of a dolled up kinda look. Though I love to wear bright lip, I never dared. I find that it makes me look matured. I didn't like that. So I thought a rose-tinted stain is a better option. I've also never use any other type of blushers other than the normal powdered ones. Which is why I find it rather cool that Benetint is in a liquid form(in fact the texture is almost like water). At a glance it looks like a syrup to me. You know the Rose syrup? The red coloured drink? 



Yep, that one. Like I said, the texture is not rich. It literally feels like water. To use it as a cheek stain, you gotta do about three dots on the apples of your cheek and then use your fingers to blend it in. You can build up the intensity of the product depending on your preference. Same method applies to use it as a lip stain. Some people go over the lip stain with a balm. Just to make your lips more hydrated. Going over with a sheer lip gloss is also fine. Cuz the lip stain does dry out your lips. It is also waterproof. So if you are working out or going for a swim, you can apply the cheek stain to give your face a sexy flush so that you won't look washed out. Since its waterproof, there is no need to reapply it cuz it'll stay put. With a dual usage, it makes sense why this product is loved by many people. However, after I used it, I didn't like it. Firstly, it dries my lips really badly. Honestly I do have a pretty sensitive lip. After using Benetint my lips started to chap. Basically it gets really dry to a point that even while using my lip balm, my lips didn't feel hydrated at all. Ever since that I stopped using it as a lip stain. The next thing that is a problem for me is the applicator. The applicator feels a lot stiffer that a nail polish applicator. Really. If you don't believe me by all means, go to any Benefit's counter and try it yourself. Also, I find it unhygienic to use the same applicator for both cheek and lip and then dunk in back in the bottle. You know how we have all the face product on(skincare, base, foundation, concealer..etc). I feel like I'm 'polluting' the product by putting the applicator back in. There is no way to clean it anyway. How to? I can possibly leave the Benetint exposed. That is even more unhygienic. The last reason is that as cheek stain, Benetint is not easy to blend. Because the texture is watery, it dries quickly. You gotta blend it fast. Else, it will look streaky on your cheek. I totally hate that, really. It looks ridiculous to have a red water-like mark on your face. Smell wise, I don't have a complain. It smells like rose(duh. its rose-tinted). Unless you don't like the smell of roses, Benetint smell is alright. 



To be very frank, I don't encourage people to get Benetint. It cost 64 dollars by the way. Yes, yes, I am not joking. I paid 64 dollars for 12.5ml worth of product. It is small. But cuz you don't really use a lot of it (cuz it is a stain), the amount of product is just right. But the price is bizarre. I'm not surprised. Benefit products are overpriced. Just like Paul & Joe. Its all about the brand. Another thing is about the drying effect of the stain. It really dries your skin, no joke. A healthy skin is a hydrated skin. I still think that a normal powdered blush and a gloss works better that Benetint. If you wanna try, you could give cream blushers a shot. I have not tried one yet. Cuz I have a combination oily skin. Cream blushers kinda make oily skin look oilier. Then again, this is just my opinion. It might not have worked for me, does not mean it won't work for you too. I'm just sharing my thoughts on it.

 This can't be real.The image of you leaving me.. I never dared to even imagine it. What hurts more? The person who tells you not cheat but cheated on you? Or the person you trusted not to cheat on you but ended up cheating? What is the difference I wonder.. It boils down to the same ending. You walked out, without looking back. I honestly want to hold on to you, beg you to stay, give this relationship a chance to improve. There is no relationship that's perfect. There will be challenges to overcome, there will be people who want to destroy us for whatever reasons it may be. Don't go. I need you more than I thought I do. I always thought I am fine on my own but that isn't true anymore now that I've loved you. But I can't say it. My heart is hurting for you but my hand refuse to stop you. What is it that hurt me more? You cheating on me? Or you leaving me? By me wanting you to stay, what kind of girl does that make me? A foolish girl. The world sees me as a stupid girl but I don't feel that way. Because I've felt loved by you. I don't know how many times you lie, I don't know how many girls you've been sneaking around with, but at that moment when you tell me you love me, it felt real. Maybe for that one time, I genuinely believe in you. Now I feel like a complete loser. Its so hard to trust someone all over again. To think that the trust is broken again, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Unable to differentiate a man from a beast. Unable to see the truth that has been right in front of me all these while. Yeah, one becomes a complete idiot when they fall in love. 

Ahhh, I'm not over it. "If someday you feel like we're not as compatible as now, I won't feel hurt if you decide to leave me. But please, don't ever cheat on me. That's the only thing I'll ever ask from you." If its a letter, I would've crushed it in your face. One shouldn't say such things. Things that they don't mean. It hurts, really. Its very painful. You may forget what you say but the person receiving those words may not. Its ringing in my ear, I swear. Just put a bullet in my head. Probably that will hurt a lot lesser. I'll just die and not stuck here, dealing with this ache every single day. But I can't die.. Because I have a life worth living for. I have responsibilities yet to be fulfilled. Maybe for myself, I don't really know my worth.. But for the people around me, I have to put a strong front. Reality hits me like a slap in my face. What more can I say. Does it even matter anyway.

 To be honest when you apologize I can't help but think Ah, this fella still doesn't know where his/her mistake lies. I mean talk is cheap. It is so easy to say I'm sorry that at times the word itself loses its significance. All thanks to people like you. Why do you apologize? Is it cuz you realised you're in the wrong and you regret it? Or is it because you want to forget this awkwardness ever happens, pretend nothing is wrong, try to make me feel better by saying I am sorry I hurt you. No you're not sorry my friend. And while I still address you as so, I hope that one day you will realised who are the friends who stood by you because they love you and who are the friends who stood by you cuz they need you. Walking out of a friendship is a difficult decision. But when you don't have a reason to stay, what else can you hold on to? When the faith you have in the other party is gone, there will only be more arguments and misunderstanding. Which is why I chose to walk away, leaving the past behind me and not wanting to look back anymore. I don't feel like I've changed. Its more like I've learnt not to make the same mistake. 

It is tiring, for me. Arguing who's right, who's fault is it. Over time it gets really tiring. Yeah, small fights strengthen a relationship(if you don't have anything to talk about, at least you have something to fight over.). But if it occurs too frequently and only one party gets the blame, it gets frustrating. And frankly I am frustrated enough. Not just with school work but also things at home. I don't normally say such a thing but Edmund is one of the most understanding boy friends I've had. He is quiet by nature. And I know I am not the easiest person to deal with especially when I'm in a foul mood. Because of his quiet nature, I actually vented by anger on him cuz I know he won't argue. I felt so bad for days but am too embarrassed to apologize to him. Things at home isn't so good. I don't have to go into details cuz we all have issues at home. I get bothered easily so I'm always frustrated. For the sake of my health, I got to control it. One way is for course to eliminate the frustrations. 

I am having my holidays right now. I'm pretty much relaxing every day. It does get a little boring but I guess I gotta cherish it cuz its gone once school starts.