Spare me the goodbyes. I haven't discovered any good in separation. But OH YEAH, remember what she says? He doesn't care. DOESN'T CARE, DOESN'T CARE, DOESN'T CARE. What's with you, honestly?? Rubbing salt to my wound or purposely trying to trigger my anger. You know what pain is. Even you are in pain. Stop lying. You can hide it from those duffers but I'm not one of them and I can tell you have a lot on your mind. And I honestly DON'T CARE too. People like you have to be taught the hard way. You know how they say when people love you, treasure them, cuz when they don't, they'll leave you alone even if you're bleeding to death. The day I knew about certain things, I've stopped sympathizing you. Clearly, some people don't deserve it. Why should I bother. You are not exactly someone important to me. I know where I stand, in his life. And I've never expected much. Its not me who don't deserve him. HE doesn't deserve me. Yes, I am too good, too pure, too nice, too kind for him. I deserve wayyyyy better. I deserve the best. Why can't I have expectations? Hell yeah, I can. The difference between us is that I am not afraid to be disliked by others. I dare to be myself although people see me as annoying, irritating, noisy, too chatty, too loud, so full of oneself, too arrogant, act like she's the lady boss, too fussy.. Doesn't matter to me. What's important is what I think of myself. He dislike me for me. I can accept that. No issues with me. I could deal with it. Because I know the problem doesn't lie with me. I am not the coward one. I am not the one who can't move on. I am not the one who's holding on a half broken branch because I, simply, cannot stand on my own. Because I CAN stand on my own. I am emotionally strong by nature. Prove is, I'm surviving well 'till today. All those heart wrenching moments are over. I just found myself. I just found my strength back. Why would I trade these two precious things for a complete jerk? I am not gonna do that. Yeah, I'm frank. People cannot take what I say. That is something they gotta deal with themselves. I gotta say what I need to say and I want SOME people to know that. I just want to make myself clear.

What exactly are you? After all these time, I still do not know what type of person you are actually. You're like a chameleon. Changes its colour to adapt to the overall surrounding, to protect themselves from predators. For you, however, you change not to adapt to situations but to hide the real you. Just for once, you should try to be honest with yourself. I am not the sort of person who believes in first impressions. Yes, I do make a mental judgement on people who I met for the first time but normally, or rather, MOST of the time, my judgement slipped. Like you. Innocent face, soft-spoken, generous with your smiles..and everything else that's positive. You played your part really well. Caught me off guard. I guess there are such people out there. People like you. I just hope that after today, I will not be fooled again. 

I don't why today feels like Thursday to me. I was a little annoyed just now cuz I couldn't find the Mind Your Body newspaper in the living room. Only when I looked at the calender, I realised that today is Wednesday. -.- I even blogged that my English exam is tmr. What the hell was I thinking? Guess I stayed home for a pretty long time. Which explains why I forget the days, the dates..etc. Gave school a missed too last Friday. Can't remember why. I guess I was sick too.. Hmmm.

Will not be attending school tmr. MT prelims will be starting tmr. Sooo, another stay-home day for me.

What keeps me going is the fact that I am leaving secondary school soon. Then I'll go to a new place where fewer or almost no one knows me. Better that way. I wanna start afresh. What's past is past. They say if its good memories from the past, we should keep it. But why should we, if the good memories will only remind us of the bad ones? To move on means to let go of the past and reach out for the future. I have big dreams. I don't wanna be distracted anymore. If possible, I don't wanna think about all the irrelevant stuffs that'll affect my studies. For now, that's my only priority. Life will change with age, time. I'm tired of trying to make things better, cuz obviously it is not working. I'm actually tired of trying itself. Trying takes a lot of my energy. At times, it robs me of my sleep. I can't even have peace in my leisure time because my mind is constantly thinking about things that I actually don't have to. Especially in this fasting month, where my energy level is really low.



Gave school a miss today. I am really sick. Have not  shopped for Raya clothings yet. Perhaps one of these days, I'll go to town or something. I'm just not looking forward for Raya. Really. With the prelims coming. English paper is TOMORROW actually. Sighhh.

Again I'll be ranting about the same old thing. Same old issues. Why things have to be so complicated? Why can't I say the things that I want to say and be understood? Every time I want to open my mouth to say something, I end up closing it back. I kept on holding back, telling myself that I got to care, I got to care about how they'll feel. I gotta learn to put myself in their position. And for that to happen, I'll have to shut up and pretend that I'm perfectly okay with how things are. Honestly, I am sick of it. If they think that I am super sickening, then they should know that to me, they are too. Yeah, I am not exactly the perfect example of a good person. But I am trying to be good, in my own ways. And if they can't accept that, what does it has to do with me? I don't live to please people. To make everyone smile while wiping the smile off my own face. That, is a sacrifice that I won't make. I have a hard time making myself happy. Talk about others. Anyway, why should I worry about their happiness? Do they care about mine? Nope. Do they try to make me happy? Nope. Do they appreciate the things I've done for them? Nope. I don't need returns alright. I'm not that low. Just appreciation is sufficient for me. And that, doesn't cost a cent. Just saying that you love the other party is not enough. Talk is cheap. But making the other party feel loved, that's another issue. If you don't mean it, why say it? Love is pure. And such pure emotion shouldn't be played around with.

And it only hurts when I'm breathing,
my heart only breaks when it's beating,
my dreams only die when I'm dreaming...


I closed my eyes hoping that I'm able to let you go. To forget that you've once stood by me. To erase every memory that I've had with you. To burn every single image of you in my mind. The fact that this is not what my heart feels like doing.. I don't care anymore. Its the right thing to do. For the sake of a peaceful life ahead, the present has to be filled with despair. I'm suffering. Each day I'm dying. I turned around and there you were. I wish I you weren't there. It hurts so much. But it never mattered to you because its not your heart that's in pain. Its not you who are having sleepless nights. Its not you whose going crazy as days went by. Who do I turn to? Whose shoulder should I cry on? Whose ears are gonna listen to what I have to say? Who's arms should I run into? Really, whose actually gonna be there for me?

I could've answered that. I could've mentioned any random name just to make me feel better. But.. I can't. Lying to myself is the last thing I wanna do. Lying to you is something I've always tried to avoid but.. A lie makes you happier. Why do I have to choose to speak the truth when I know its just gonna cause you pain. Maybe that is the problem. I cared too much.

68 more days to O-levels. I do not why am I still here, blogging, when studying is what I'm supposed to do. Yeah, SUPPOSED to do. As usual, I'll come out with crappy reasons like I am too tired, I need a break, had a long day in school... Truth is, I am just plain lazy. The first time my tutor looked at my TYS, she said,"Wow. Really clean huh." I was a little annoyed at her sarcasm initially. But thinking back, she's absolutely right. I barely did the questions inside. So, what is the purpose of purchasing it in the first place? Just for the sake of buying it. Everyone bought one. -.- Wish there's some medication that I can take to get rid of all the laziness inside of me. A friend told me that its all in the mind. Thing is, my mind is kinda messed up right now. I have some POA-related stuffs inside. Umm, some Maths equations. There are also oral-related things inside (thanks to Mrs Lee, I am worried sick about my oral.). And other personal issues. Lol. 

Urghh. Look at how fucked up my life is right now. My oral is next Tuesday. Early September, I'll have my prelims. And then followed by Raya (not looking forward). Lastly...... The big O's. Sixty-eight days. I am certainly not prepared for it. But I'm trying to get things done. Trying to complete my TYS as much as I can. Trying to make the effort to prepare notes for Sciences and Humans although those aren't my favourite subjects. But I'm left with no choice as the number of subjects that I have are limited. So.. I gotta do well for all. Need 1 for maths and 1 for POA. Desperately. Urghhhh. I'm gonna give my all for Tuesday. I have to. Need to. I desperately need to......... Now I am making myself sound so pathetic. But whatever, I'm gonna throw my ego out of the window. I admit that I am feeling so helpless right now..

This Saturday will be the start of the Fasting Month. HOPEFULLY, it won't be a torturous month. 

Last Saturday, went to the movies with the girls. Watched the show Orphan. Great movie. 7/10.









I don't know why I am becoming so cautious of what I say when I'm with you. I don't know why but I feel obligated to please you, appearing like someone who is super nice, super kind, super sweet. I didn't realised I was behaving in that manner until recently... I am uncomfortable around you like as though you're a stranger to me. It just feels different. Talking to doesn't feel the same. Standing beside you doesn't feel the same. Question is: What has change? What's with these awkwardness?

Hmmm.

Hey babes. It was a pretty short week for me. Monday is a holiday(hope its not too late to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE AND GERARD!). I was absent on Wednesday. It seems like I am only falling sick in the morning. I "recovered" the moment the clock struck 12. 12 noon. Weird. School was pretty average today. Did nothing much actually. Teachers came in late. Even if they do come on time, they'll just spend all the periods nagging. We call it "motivational talks". Huh. Now I feel super motivated to prepare a study plan. -.- Not that I am against the idea. Its just that I am not the sort who sticks to plans. I do what I feel like doing, when I feel like it. Not exactly a very good attitude but that's just the way I am. The only two subjects that I have been spending my time revising on are Maths and POA. Yep, I did the questions in the TYS. For English, there is nothing for me to revise on. Perhaps I'll start hitting the libraries and borrow 2 to 3 books fortnightly. Yeahh, I take a loooooong time to finish a book. But I read faster than my Mom. She can spend a whole 7 mins reading just ONE page of a book or a magazine. I don't know. Maybe she spell out the words before reading it. I know I need to dedicate some time for my Sciences and Humans too. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I hated doing Humans. Both SS and Geog. Its not my thing, not my thing, not my thing. I know I've been saying that ever since... yearssss ago. But I can't help it. I can do 10 questions of Maths but not one SBQ question. Doing Maths doesn't stress me out as much as doing SS.

Speaking of SS, I have two sets of SBQ(8 questions) and two SEQ essays to submit by Monday. All because I didn't turn up for SS SSP. I don't know whether I should be mad at myself for not turning up or to be pissed off with Mdm XYZ cuz she's crazy/having PMS/early menopause/sexually deprived/ having bad day..etc. Urghhhhhhhh. I know I can't finish it. My weekends are packed with tuitions. POA and Maths, back to back. And I am definitely not in the mood to do SS. To hell with the SBQs and SEQs. I am gonna do whatever I feel like doing and that's that. Am prepared to get yelled at. Wish I can bring along a mask. Wanna know why? cuz mdm xyz's mouth stinks.
For Sciences.. I am not that good in Chem. Don't know why. No interest perhaps?

My O-levels oral will be on 25 or 26th of August? Shit, I forgot. Gonna check with Irah on Monday. I just hope that I'll do great. I always have this in mind, " No matter how bad things are, just smile." So.. If its so happens that I have nothing to say or I say the wrong thing or I got tongue tied, I'll just give the examiners my sweetest smile. ;) HOPEFULLY, that will work. Lol lol lol.

 How can I not make assumptions? I can't stop my mind from listing all the possible thoughts that are running through your head. Would be nice if I could dive in and take a peek at what you're thinking. Seems like I am not destined to have peace in my life. One after another. I don't even want to ask when it will be over. From where I see, its not anytime soon. Perhaps its because I hid it too well.. my emotions. I appeared really cool about it. No questions asked. Everything is perfectly normal. Well, truth is, nothing is normal. Everything has changed. It seems like I am getting used to the changes that it doesn't feel like anything has changed at all. Has my heart froze? Yep, a question that I didn't have an answer to.

See. That is the thing about questions. It pisses you off if you can't get an answer. But it pisses you more if the answer given is not what you wanted to hear. Correct or not? 

Damn it.


Hey babez. School was pretty much the same. Had POA test earlier. Ummmmm. I did all that I could. So.. I'm pretty much prepared for whatever crappy marks I might get. Ultimately, its the big O's that's more important. Correct or not? Class tests are all full of shit. Copyrighted from don't-know-which assessment book. Printed on toilet papers that are of the worse quality. Correct or not? Correct right? I just know that our O-level oral is this month. See. I bloody signed the oral schedule and yet I am unaware of it. Don't know what the heck I was thinking. Sign blindly. I thought it was NEXT month. God. 

There'll be National Day celebration tmr in school. Yeahh, the usual stuffs. Parade and all. Another unproductive day. King's birthday is coming. Haha. He said he's excited. Of course he is. Birthday got fireworks mah. Lol. I'm looking forward for this Saturday. ;)

Urgh, Fucked up. I wonder why everything has to be so messed like this. Am I really that bad? Frankly, I don't think I belong to that category. I'm leading a pretty normal life, ain't I? I don't get into deep shits. Okay, I do get into deep shits sometimes. But not THAT kinda deep shits. You know what I'm saying? I can't seem to please this one person. Look, I don't know where the heck I went wrong or what the hell I said that hurt you so badly, to the extent that you have to think of me as the worse, most unethical girl. I do have values. I'm brought up in a pretty disciplined family. But people change. I can't be like dad or mom or whoever. I can't be like them when they are my age. And they can't stop me from making the mistakes they did or to prevent me from making mistakes they didn't have the guts/chance to. I am different from my cousins. If you know me well enough, you should be able to spot the differences. I am the sort who loves to take the lead. I have my own way of thinking and I listen to only myself. I only look arrogant but am not at all. I can be friendly, but only to certain type of people. I am not afraid to express myself. I am selfish by nature.  Now, it seems like I am giving an introduction about myself. Bottom line is, I am really tired of trying to be the ideal daughter/sister/niece/elder cousin. I just wanna be free to be myself. To do whatever I want without having people breathing down my neck. To make decisions in peace without having people telling me what's suppose and not suppose to be done. I know what I am doing. Why can't they get that?

Urghhhh. Why is life sucha bitch. Why can't the people around me just shut the fuck up and buzz off.


Sigh.

Hey babez. I'm back to school today. Little did I know that some dog will ruin my beautiful morning. Yeah, of course. Who else can it be. Teachers are like a pain in the ass that'll never go away. They really don't know what's in their job scope or are they purposely trying to make our lives a living hell? Their job is to teach. That is it. Simple. So why are they being sucha pest early in the morning? Mr A, you know what? Just do your damn job alright. My grades? I will worry about that. Ultimately, its MY future. Whether I turn out a scholar or a failure at the of the day, its my business. Am not gonna make you or any other teachers responsible for that. *heavy sigh* Damn. There goes my day. All fucked up. Suchan ass.

Didn't turn up for school today. Don't know why the moment I woke up in the morning, my head starting hurting so badly. Maybe cuz I didn't get enough sleep last night. Had a hard time sleeping although I was worn out after playing rugby. Well, I didn't do much. Just ran around, tryna get hold of the damn ball. As usual, that bloody frog loves to take charge. She thinks she's damn good in everything and everybody else should listen to her. Damn. She can't even SPEAK properly. What the heck is wrong with her tongue? Too short or too long? She's not even fit. Look at her body. And then look at her damn face. God. Must be a nightmare for her future boyfriend to kiss her. Yuck. So she thinks by associating with many guys will help speed up the process of getting a boyfriend? Got to be kidding me. Even if she is the last girl standing, I doubt anyone would want to be with her. Is she even smart? Never seen her get the highest score for any subjects. But, again, she acts like she knows it all. God. Its so frustrating to act all sweet when talking to her. A few more months to go.. and then it'll all be over. This is just not the time to make enemies. I have many other things to to deal with.

I'm not saying that I'm fit or extremely beautiful or a genius. But at least, I am comfortable in my own skin. I don't get the shock of life when I look in the mirror. I am not the best but I always try to be the best that I can. I don't see everything as a competition. I know where to draw the line. Above all, I am not greedy.

Sighh. Why do I have to meet such people. Anywayz, back to me. I'm slightly better now after eating the panadol. Hopefully I'll be okay by tonight. Thought of doing some maths later. Else, my whole day will be unproductive.

Hey darlas.

Was supposed to have Geog test after school just now. Gave it a miss. We're only informed about the test on Monday. So, tell me. How is it possible to study in two days? Not even two days, in fact. About one and half day? There weren't even proper announcement to tell us about the test. What rubbish. Decided to leave cuz there is no point sitting for it, only to fail the paper. Sighhh. Gotta prepare myself for Mr Gav's lecture tmr. Damn. During Maths class, Ms Khal came in and said that after our geog test, there will SS SSP. What the hell? So that's how the system works? SSPs are not prepared before hand. Anytime of the day, a teacher can just barge in and say, "Guys, SSP at 3 today." Look, I bloody care about my O's, my goddamn grades. I care about all that. But I just hate last minute classes. I have other commitments too, you know. My life doesn't just revolve around Seng Kang. What kinda crap is that. -.-

Hey babes. School was pretty tiring today. Don't really like the subject combination for the new timetable. I never like to start the week with SS. Urghhhhh. Thank goodness it's done and over with. I've been doing my homework lately. Lol. Its not like I never did it before. Just that, these days, I am a little more hardworking than before. Which is of course a good thing. After school, stayed back for Maths retest. Not exactly a retest for me since I didn't sit for the paper. I still turn up, nonetheless. For the sake of it. Didn't want Poon to get all naggy like an old lady. Oh, wait. She IS an old lady. -.-

We've gotten our prelims timetable a couple of days back. It'll start in September. Yeah, about a month or so from now. Gotta start revising asap! Fasting month is coming too. Oh man. And soon it'll be Hari Raya. Oh man. Not looking forward at all. Especially this year, when I am sitting for my O's. Urghhh. What is there to enjoy? Life is a super bitch.

Love life? Another super bitch. Don't even want to elaborate on that. Everyday, without fail, I'll see that person in school. And then, I'll start having butterflies in my tummy. And then, I will start blabbering nonsensical stuffs to Irah and annoy the crap out of her. After that, I will keep repeating how adorable/hot/good-looking/handsome/sexy/fucking cute a$$  that person is. Fyi, I don't even have to search around the school to get a glimpse of him. Out of nowhere, abracadabra, he just appeared. Not my fault right? Err, I think I just elaborated a little too much. :X



Wokayz, till here.